As I Fall
by NattiKay
Summary: As Niju reflects on the pack's decision to leave and his refusal to go with them, he feels himself begin to fall from the inside out. Then when Aniu makes an appearance, his entire world begins to change more than he wants.


Wolves aren't meant to be alone. I've learned that the hard way. A way that forced me to change my ways.

I hate change. Hate it with a passion. Wolves have hunted in packs for generations, and they have hunted _here_. If it worked for that long, why can't it work that way forever? Why would that idiot mutt take an entire clan of wolves to some land that they'd only heard of from dreams, that may not even exist? Why take them from the land that they've known since they were pups? Since their parents, their grandparents, their great-grandparents were pups?

It's stupid, really. Of course, the mutt wouldn't understand that these lands are _ours_. She and her husky mother, and half-breed father, probably lived a soft life with dogs and humans. The half-breed even did say that he led a dog team. Pah! So how on earth could they have convinced an entire pack of wild wolves to leave? Because of Nava's ridiculous dreams?

Nava. That old fool had died a few weeks ago. Not that made any difference to me. He may have been my only clanmate left, but all he could do was lie there weakly and ramble on to me in his increasingly raspy voice about how change is sure to affect everything. That the clan would be safer in the different lands. That perhaps I, too, would begin to change with time.

As if!

But of course, as I said, Nava died. All that's left of the fool now is a broken pile of bones. I was as starving as ever at the time, see, and with a carcass of meat just lying there...well, I wasn't about to leave it to the crows.

But that's all behind me. Any nourishment I got from Nava's ancient bony body is fading now. I'm still starving, on the verge of death by hunger. Of course, why dose that matter? I'm hungry, and as much as I hate to admit it, weak. It's been a year since the mutt stole my pack towards the unfamiliar lands, and the smaller preys that I hunted for a while are running low in stock. And, like the old fool said, the caribou never came back. I'm tired, alone. I feel like I'm falling...

Falling forever into an inescapable pit of darkness, of despair, of hunger. Falling from the inside out.

There's nothing left anymore. I'm the last wolf that stands on our lands, but at least I'll die here. I'll die _here_, in these lands, the lands that have belonged to the Wolf Clan for generations.

But I didn't, because the night I made up my mind, the night I decided I would stop falling, finally land at the bottom of that pit with a noble enough death, a death loyal to the lands, was the night I received a visit.

The unexpected scent of a wolf wafted my way. It was not my own scent, nor was it the decaying stench of old Nava, but it was certainly a wolf. I turned in its direction. Had there been another who had stayed behind? How could it without my knowing?

But this wolf was unlike I had ever met before. Taller than me, and strong, not starving as I now was. Its soft, glossy pelt was as white as freshly-fallen mountain snow. The thin, slanted golden eyes were as replicating mirrors into which you could see forever, the future, the past, ancient generations.

Surely this couldn't be Aniu, the white wolf spirit of the legends?

But it was. She spoke, and her voice, though gentle, seemed to boom within my ears, and I could sense a tinge of disappointment in her tone. Somehow, in a way I couldn't explain, that tone made me feel guilty, but I swallowed that emotion quickly.

"Niju. Why did you let your clan leave you? Why did you not go with them?"

There was once a time that even I would have respected the spirit Aniu. By now, however, that time was all but gone.

"They wanted to leave out land!" I snapped furiously. "They would rather follow a stupid mutt into an unknown region than stay here like true wolves!"

"All things change, Niju," Aniu explained calmly. "And that mutt you speak of, Aleu, may be part dog, but remember that she dose have wolf heritage. She was chosen to lead your clan by I, myself."

My voice lowered, becoming cold and bitter.

"And why would you choose an yelping yearling with filthy blood?" I muttered.

"Because Aleu has a strong and innocent heart. Dogs are very loyal to their humans. Aleu never had her own human, though she desperately wanted one. Because of that, her loyalty never had much of a place to go until she joined the Clan. Dogs and humans bond in unusually strong ways, Niju, and Aleu will bond in the same way to the Clan, and perhaps at some point to a mate."

"But she's still a dog! A _pup_!" I snapped. "Loyal or not, she's much to young to lead! And her dog's life was too soft; she wouldn't know the first thing about living wild, let alone leading a Clan! She's already made a stupid decision-leave the lands!"

"No, Niju. To leave the lands was _my_ decision, not Aleu's, not Nava's. I simply showed them my will through their dreams, and they were able to listen. As for her youth, it it true, she had troubles at first, but with the help of her beta, she has matured into a strong leader and grows in wisdom every day."

"Pah!" I had no other response. It sounded liked the pack was doing well in the new lands, that they were alive. Had they no respect for the ancient generations that lived here?

"But they still left me!" I suddenly yelped. "_They left me!_" I felt strange, desperate. My heart was ripping itself apart; I could feel its pain within my chest. I felt lightheaded and dizzy, clinging for sanity. The broken pieces of my heart were falling...falling...

"I could have been a leader!" I gasped. "I would have been great! We would still dwell here, we would be a Clan! Everything would be ok!" My voice was beginning to get raspy, broken. The dizziness worsened.

"I'm sorry, Niju, but you could not have been the Clan's leader in this situation. You were a strong wolf, but your ambition was terribly blocked by your fear."

"I have no fears!"

"You fear change."

"I hate change! I do not fear what I hate!"

Aniu's voice suddenly became strong and assertive, which surprised me slightly, as she'd been so gentle throughout this time.

"A _true _leader would have put aside their hatred for the good of the Clan! A true leader would have faced his fears!"

I growled weakly. My vision was blurring, I was still falling apart. I had to make a point before my death.

"But they left their lands. These lands belong to us!"

"And what is the point of owning lands that cannot provide for you? They provided for your ancestors, but the resources are now _gone_. You may dislike the change, but Niju, you can adapt! If you can just go, eventually, you will get used to new ways! New lands! If you go, your offspring will own the new lands! You will own the new lands!"

I turned away defiantly. That was true. But what did it matter? I was about to die, anyways. Why couldn't this darn spirit just let me pass with my diginty?

Aniu spoke again, her voice returning to it's original gentle, yet strong.

"Niju."

I turned back to face her, still staring with stubborn annoyance.

"If you want to cross the Great Waters and rejoin with your pack, I will help you do it."

My expression quickly morphed from anger to surprise. Go back...to the clan? Leave these lands, face the change?

_A _true _leader would have put aside their hatred for the good of the Clan! A true leader would have faced his fears!_

I hesitated a moment, thinking about it. Was that really what I wanted? No, it couldn't be. I couldn't leave. I wouldn't!

But the pack needed a leader, didn't they? And that mutt Aleu couldn't fill that position, no matter what stupid crap Aniu spoke of about her being chosen.

A true leader...

"Fine," I spat softly. "I'll go."

For the first time during our meeting, Aniu gave me what seemed to be the echo of a smile.

"Very well. I shall join with you now, Niju, and give you strength. I'll help you hunt a bit so that when I leave you, you will still be able to survive. However, when you reach the Clan, it will be up to you to join them."

I nodded slightly. Yeah, whatever.

A gust of wind, slow and gentle at first, began to gain speed and ferocity. It smelled of wolves, more wolves than I had ever smelled in my entire lifetime, and felt like crisp pine forest breezes of the winter. Aniu's body dissipated, joining with the wind in the form of a glistening white fog. And as I inhaled, I breathed it in...

I suddenly felt rejuvenated with strength. The dizziness was cleared, my voice became strong. My heart put itself back together with a strange warmness that I'd never felt before. I still looked like a lowly starving Omega, but I felt like an Alpha. I would _be_ an Alpha...

_I have joined my strength with yours, _I hear within my mind. Great, now Aniu has entered my conscience. But if it lead to my being leader...well, whatever.

As I set a paw on the forming ice path, dirty black fur against glistening frozen water, I looked back at the land. Was I really about to leave them?

_Don't look back, Niju._

I forced myself to turn around and gaze only ahead. After a long hesitation, with a powerful burst of will, I took off down the path.

I was no longer falling. I was strong, I was a leader. I was leaving home and coming home at the same time.

In fact, as I ran, I felt myself being to rise.


End file.
